Fatherhood & UnschoolingA personal note
Why Unschooling? My Answer Is: Why Not?
People ask why we chose homeschooling and unschooling. My answer is still the same: why not?
01 THE QUESTION
“Why homeschooling? Why unschooling?”
People ask us this often. My first answer is usually, “Why not?” It is not meant to dismiss the question. It is a reminder that school is one way to learn, not the only way.
We live in a time when a curious person can find explanations, books, lessons, demonstrations, and people willing to share what they know. Access to information does not automatically make an education, of course. Children still need time, experience, conversation, guidance, and adults who help them make sense of what they encounter. That is part of our role as parents.
For our family, learning does not have to begin with a timetable or a subject label. It can start with a question and grow through trying, reading, talking, making mistakes, and trying again.
02 THE STORY I REMEMBER
The swimming-pool question
I once met a man around my age in the men’s changing room at a swimming pool. My son was with me, and the two of them got talking. My son can be a charming conversationalist; before long, the man was asking him which school he went to.
“I don’t go to school,” my son said.
I added that he learns through life and the experiences around him. The man looked surprised. Then came the question I had heard in one form or another before: “So what will he do when he grows up?”
I said, “He’ll enjoy life, like he’s doing now. What else?” Then I laughed. I wasn’t claiming to know exactly what my son’s future will look like. None of us can. I was saying that childhood does not need to be treated only as preparation for some later life. It is life, too.
03 ABOUT SOCIALIZING
“Won’t they miss out on people?”
This is one of the most common concerns. It is a fair one: children need relationships and regular chances to spend time with other people. School is one place where that happens, but it is not the only place.
We have watched our son join conversations and play with children he has never met, and speak comfortably with adults too. That is our experience with him, not a promise about every child or every family. Home education asks us to make room for friendships, shared activities, and time with people of different ages instead of assuming those things will happen on their own.
Research on homeschool socialization is mixed and has limitations, including samples that may not represent all home-educated children. A review by psychologist Richard G. Medlin summarizes studies that do not support the alarmist claim that homeschooling automatically prevents social development, while also noting that children’s own assessments are less clear. That research cannot predict how any one child will feel. Read Medlin’s review in the Peabody Journal of Education ↗.
04 LEARNING WITH FREEDOM
A different rhythm for learning
I do not believe children’s brains are “not meant for structure.” Children benefit from caring adults, thoughtful guidance, and appropriate challenge. What I do believe is that curiosity needs room. Too much pressure to learn one thing at one prescribed moment can make learning feel like a task to finish rather than a way to understand the world.
Psychologist Carl Rogers wrote about the value of learning that a person discovers and makes their own. In Freedom to Learn, he described this as “self-discovered, self-appropriated learning.” That idea resonates with me, though it is not proof that unschooling works best for every child. Read Rogers’s essay and source notes ↗
Research on motivation offers a more measured point: a 2021 meta-analysis covering 144 studies and more than 79,000 students found that autonomy support was associated with students’ psychological needs and self-determined motivation. It studied students in varied educational settings; it did not compare unschooling with school or establish that one approach is universally better. See the meta-analysis in Review of Educational Research ↗.
For a broader picture, a review of guided-play studies found some learning outcomes where guided play compared favorably with direct instruction, and others where it did not. That feels closer to real life to me: children can learn in different ways, and the adult’s role does not disappear. Read the systematic review and meta-analysis ↗.
05 WHAT WE VALUE
The parts of unschooling that matter to us
These are possibilities we value, not guaranteed results. Every child and household is different.
- 01
Interest can lead the way
A question that matters to a child can be a real starting point for reading, making, counting, researching, and asking for help.
- 02
There is room for different paces
We can spend longer with something that needs more time, or follow a new interest when it appears, while staying attentive to what our children need to learn.
- 03
Learning sits inside ordinary life
Cooking, travel, building, caring for others, play, and conversations all offer chances to use knowledge in context.
- 04
Children can have a say
Making choices, explaining preferences, and working through a problem with a parent can help children practise agency and responsibility over time.
- 05
We learn alongside each other
When our children ask something we do not know, we can look for an answer together. I get to keep learning, too.
- 06
There is time for connection
For our children at this age, being close to us brings comfort and safety. Sharing the day also gives us more chances to notice what they are curious about and respond.
06 THE PARENT’S PART
Freedom still needs care around it
Unschooling is not leaving children alone with the internet, and it is not a promise that every interest will turn into a lesson. Parents still need to offer resources, conversation, boundaries, social opportunities, and help when a child meets a difficult or unfamiliar subject. We also need to keep checking that our children are thriving and getting a broad, nourishing education.
Education laws and home-education requirements vary by location. Families considering this path should learn the rules where they live and make a plan that works for their children.
07 WHERE I STAND
Not the only way. Our way, for now.
School has helped many children and families, and I respect that. It is simply not the path we have chosen for our children. For us, unschooling means staying close, paying attention, opening doors, and trusting that learning can happen throughout the day—not only when someone calls it a lesson.
I’ll keep sharing the things our children explore and the things I learn from them. That is the point of this journal: to notice the journey as it happens.
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